Life: X,Y and C

The year 2011, my 45th year of living, ends in less than 42 days.  It has been a year filled with events and moments I would have never predicted.  By every indicator, it also marks the end of my own lost decade.  The signs are large and small, some only pertintent to me and those close to me, but the signs are truly there.

For all intents and purposes, the true forward momentum of my life ended in 2001.  I haven't been sitting in a corner and rotting for 10 years though, I have done stuff, been places, met people, fell in love a couple of times or more, fumbled and bumbled, failed and tried again.

I wasn't aware of it at the time I was doing it.  Every effort I made, every word I said was sincere. Looking back though I wasn't living, as the famous quote suggests, deliberately.

My emergence from the lost decade began in 2009, not long after another milestone: my 20 year college graduation anniversary. Still living in my college town, close enough to campus that I can almost see it, the first 10 years here made sense, the last 10 were harder to define.  Since my father died in August, I am fully aware of the finite clock of life.

What I find most surprising is I don't have this huge internal, screaming, "Carpe Diem!" drive inside myself.  It is more of a thoughtful, rational voice saying " okay, time to get on with it."  The progressive steps that have appeared before me are fairly simple, sensible and sane--just the opposite of what I have been drawn to for the last decade.   I am present in my own life again, that is the biggest change.  For 10 years I was presenting my life, constantly editing and producing to fit the changing audiences. There were many different episodes, characters and story arcs it was a full time job to maintain the presentation.

For me, the simplest stuff is always the hardest, always a red flag that I am settling or somehow not trying hard enough.  That putting down roots is somehow an anchor holding you in place, rather than the foundation that allows you to grow and reach new heights.