Life: X,Y and C

When I was on the speaking circuit in the 1990's, one of the most popular elements of my presentation was when I talked about disability, relationships and sex.  It was humorous story about a failed college hook up after the girl I was with admitted that she assumed because I have a disability I couldn't have sex.  Of course I told her that I could, and as a teenage male, I would certainly like to if it was okay with her.

There have been much less humorous episodes on my path to a long term relationship.  That is just part of being human but, as usual, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and others by not admitting that our disability does matter, does have an impact and that, that doesn't make us or our romantic partners bad people to talk about it.

My father's sister (the term Aunt is one I use with affection, so it doesn't apply to her) and I had a conversation about a lot of things one night long ago.  She hated hearing that would use ramps and automatic doors when they were available to me.  That I loved going to journalism school at a place with a disability initiative upset her.  When the conversation shifted to my college girlfriend the question came up "Is she normal?"  (A loaded question when talking about young women, truly) "I mean is she handicapped like you?  One of your own kind?"   I said no and she replied "it won't last."   My father's sister who hated the thought of me using any of the readily available adaptations at my disposal because it was the "lazy way" did think, however, that I should date among my own kind.

She is the extreme example of a wide perception out there that we disabled people should just date each other.  While I agree it shouldn't be an automatic no, it should not be an automatic yes either.  I have made jokes over the years about bedroom wheelchair traffic jams and what if my partner requires assistance I can't provide to get "set up" for a wild night of passion?  So we'd need a third party?   Try to get my insurance to pay for that!   On the more serious side of things, personalities need to be compatible as well as interests and goals.

Just like my friends in the gay community who are frustrated when they have to endure a fix up where the only qualification for the fix up is the same sexual orientation---it is just one aspect of the relationship puzzle.

In some of my past relationships I have been too "grateful" that they accept me for who I am and what I am, which ultimately drove them away because I made it too much of an issue.  On the flip side, the opposite has certainly happened where I acted like it was not an issue, so questions, concerns, and reality were not discussed.  And, of course, non disabled people are taught it is rude to question or discuss, so.......

One relationship ended because I was too much of a "saint".  Not actually a saint nor did I claim to be.  The issue was, when we would go out, other people would say " We are so glad Wil has found someone, he is such an amazing person....." and the sell job would roll on to a ridiculous point.  The relationship ended because someone I loved very much, and who loved me very much, felt ridiculous amounts of public pressure to never disagree with me, fight with me, make me unhappy or, god forbid, break up with me.

There is also the reality that managing a high functioning disability is like having a "mini me" that needs constant care and attention.  There are the hours and opportunity to meet and get to know people because social activities, by default, usually happen last or certainly at the expense of disability demands.   It is similar to what my friends who have kids say, "No more late nights for us, with jobs, mortgage and hockey practice at five AM."   When they say it, of course, they did have their free and flexible years before that, allowing them to get where they are now.  THAT, is the difference.

The whole point of this series of posts, isn't to lay blame on anybody or  to offer concrete solutions.  I am simply acknowledging what other people cannot say: being a high functioning person with a disability is different--you don't fit in the disabled world or the non disabled world but some odd place inbetween.  Your heart and mind tell you to act one way, your physical self and the outside perception of that, require you to act another way.  That behavior, cause and effect comes from both sides.

There are no saints, just humans trying to learn, understand and travel together.   Travelling together on a path to sustainable health wealth, and love.    But to REALLY do that, we have to be honest and realistic.

Otherwise it is just a treadmill, parked in a blue space.